Well over the past few months I have had a lot of fun getting to know and building a relationship with my mother. It has been a very beneficial thing for me and has helped me a lot.

Once I finally got over the whole “I am mad at her and there is no chance of me forgiving her!” phase I was able to start growing as a person. I think that the time I have spent with my mother has not only helped me but it has helped her.

Once I actually sat down and have had the chance to talk to her it has allowed me to see that She did the best she could, even though I never saw it or did I ever want to believe it. I have now realized that she is also not the big bad witch like I wanted to think she was.

The biggest thing that has meant a lot to me is the fact that she takes the time to tell me that she is proud of me. For the longest time I never wanted to believe that. You know it is nice to finally hear the person that you have tried to always make proud to finally say that you have succeed.

Well I know that no one is perfect and that no one can go back and change the past, But I am happy to say that I think my future is going to be a lot better than I thought it would!

Mom, I know you are reading this, so I want you to know that I love you and that you are a pretty damn awesome mother.

You ask me if I love you; I say yes when I really mean that I love and adore you!

You ask me if I had a good time; I say yes when I really mean to tell you that when you are around I have an amazing time.

You ask me what I want; I say nothing but I really mean that I want to always be here by my side.

and last but not least you ask me why I am with you; I tell you I do not need/have a reason but what I mean is that I have a million reasons but do not want to bore you!

Why did you do this to me? Do you not realize what you have truly done to me? Do you not see how you have hurt me?

Why did you do this to me? Why me? Why was I your victim? What did I do?

I just do not understand! If you would enlighten me that would be great!

Thanks,

Shawn

OMG College is nothing like what I thought it would be. This first semester has almost been a living hell. A lot has gone wrong how ever some has gone right.

At the start of this semester I was enrolled in 17 credit hours. Well all I am going to say on this I am ending this semester with a grand total of 6 credit hours!

Not only did I have one car accident this semester but two! One my fault; One not!

I also had something else to me this semester that I am not going to go into detail about; but we will just say that it has had a very negative affect on me. It has cause me more pain then it is worth and has affected me to the point that I decided to purse higher powers to help me with it all!

At the start of this semester I was pleading to Phi Mu Alpha Sinfoina. Well we will just say that it did not work out for me either.

However; like I said some good have came out of this semester. I decided to stop hiding and lying to myself and other about who I was. I decided to come out and be open about who I was. I was very pleased to have more support then I excepted when people found out I was gay.

Also this semester I found an awesome boyfriend. He is right there by my side through everything that is going on. He is my strength through all of this. He is awesome and does not know what he means to me!

I started off the semester living by myself in an apartment in Edwardsville. I then was able to find a job. The apartment was nice, Don’t get me wrong but it was a little on the expensive side of life. It was a one bedroom & bath for $685.00 a month. Which leads to part two, I was forced to get a job to help offset the cost of the apartment. I started off the overnights at a Local Gas Station.

Well all of this finally got the best of me and life was just kicking my ass. Then I joined this Fraternity. That has been one of the best decisions I have made. Well not only did I join the Fraternity but I also had the opportunity to move in with three of my Fraternal Bothers. That has been very beneficial of to me. It helps cut my cost. This also allowed me to cut hours at works which also lead to me getting put on the evening shift.

Also this semester I have also decided to finally start being true to myself and others around me. Which lead to me finally coming out of the closet! That lead to me getting more acceptance and support then I could even imagined.

All in all College is nowhere as easy as people make it sound. I can honestly say that it has been about ten times as complicated then I could even think.

You may be wondering what I mean. Why should I be scared? Well when it comes down to it Aug. 20 is going to be an interesting day for me.

For those of you who don’t know. Aug. 20 is the start of the new chapter. I will be leaving my current placement in Collinsville, and moving into my Dorm Room on SIUE Campus.

It will begin my adulthood. I will be “on my own”. I will lose that layer of protection that I have.

I mean don’t get me wrong I am happy for this. But just realizing that some of this protection and support I have had is about to be over scares me a little bit.

I know I will do fine. I just guess that I need to really think about some of the “What ifs?” of life.

Over the last few months I have had some amazing things happen. I was accepted by 12/15 schools I applied to. It has been amazing. My top 5 Choices were apart of those 12. This has been an amazing past few months.

Over the last few weeks. I have had the honor of meeting some amazing people as well.  These people have helped me in more ways then they know. I have had the honor of being there for them when they needed it and they have been there for me.

So you know who you are!!! THANKS! And remember that you are beautiful and amazing!

So my last posted titled as a date was something big and important. Well this date was not as big but really meant a lot to me.

This was the date of my Graduation Party. The day started out really rough and left me wanting to just give up and cancel the party. The weather had threatened that at one point. Through out the day things just got harder and hard to do.

But finally it came. 2:47 pm my first guest showed up. I was still a little frantic and running around finishing stuff up. But it finally came.

Through out the night different few people came and went. One thing that really meant a lot to me is the fact that those few people who all came has been a wonderful aspect to my life.

They have all helped me in realizing that, even though I grew up thinking that I was a screw up and that I would never amount to anything, I will be an amazing aspect to the world. They have helped me in realizing that the one thing I do best is choosing my friends!

So I just want to end this post by saying Thanks to my Friends! You guys are amazing and I would not be here with you!

This was one of the first things I wrote!

ENJOY!

John’s boss died today. His teachers yesterday. His Grandma tomorrow. It all started in July 26^th 3009. John had just turned seventeen. His Grandma nagging him on what he will do when he is out of High School. He will finish High school next May. This is really getting on his nerves.

With school starting and the summer coming to an end he started trying to get into the routine for school. Today was Monday. So he must Wake up, turn off his alarm before it shoots him. Then he must turn on shower, eat, take shower, and put shirt on. Then he’s out the door and on his way.

He was on my way to school when his boss called. He was tiring to ignore the call but his boss kept calling. He said “John, will you be able to come in to work at 13:00 and stay until 12:00 the next day?” He said “No Jim, You know I have to go to school today at 12:00 and stay until 20:00 on Wed. then I will be off of school for two weeks.”

So after finally getting off the phone with phone with him two hours later John finally got to school. This year He started schooling with twelve hours of math. Oh what fun? The math teacher was Mr. Prescott. He must be really old by now, considering that all that is left of him is his head. He was one of those boring teachers who had a monotone when he taught. However, John was his best student. Out of the five percent need to pass his class, John had a total overall percent of seventy-five. Math was John’s forte at the time.

The next class on his schedule was English. Ms. Draper was the teacher. She was fairly young. You could tell considering she still had most of her body. No feet though. She was the best English teacher to have. So John had been told. She was one of those teachers who get on your nerves, since she tries to be everyone’s best friend. However, again John was also one of her best students. In her class, all you needed to pass was a two point nine percent. John had an overall percent of seventy.

The next class was science with Mr. Einstein. He was really old. All that was left of him was his annoying high pitched voice, and his eyes. He was one of the teachers who would shoot you with his laser of you weren’t paying attention to him. He was easy overall besides that. In his class John had a ten percent out of the total one point five percent needed to pass.

As you can see John is one of those students who try to succeed in school. School is his main focus. You are possibly wondering how he is so far ahead with school just starting. That is because over the summer instead of racing or going on a vacation John was here at the school helping the teacher put the curriculum together. He is not only an Honor Student here at the Honor and Advance Placement School of New York, a.k.a HAPSNY, John is considered as part of the teaching staff here. When teachers have problems they come to me.

When John is not at school he is working. Work is his second focus. He works every chance he gets.

In November as school was ending for 3 months. John started working more and more. As soon as school ended he started getting call from work and teachers both saying they need him. His grandma is still nagging. She keeps says “John you really need to put school aside and start working more so you can advance in your job and soon become the CEO.” He finally told her that she needs to leave him alone and let him do as he wants. This is his live not hers.

That really made her mad. She told John “You have three weeks to find your self an other space ship to live in.” That didn’t make matters any better.

Then he got a call from work and was asked to come in. So he did.

The Director of Sales has died. So the position opened up. He was offered the Position and took it.

John then started working more on a regular basis. He started working hard and soon was so far ahead he was asked to help the Vice President of the company with his work. They got all his work done. John received a bonus for helping him. The bonus was enough to buy a spaceship in full.

The next day John moved out of his grandma.

School started the next day. John was going in between work and school. School started dominating hi time. That wasn’t going to work. Then his teachers really stared to nag him to get his work done and to also help them with the lesson plans.

His job started requiring more and more of him.

Even though John was on his own his grandma still tried to control him.

All of this became too much. John didn’t know to do. He tried to just ignore them all and do one thing at a time.

His teachers started steeping over the line. They would try to bother him while he was at work. Then they started coming to John’s spaceship. They would call John in the middle of the night. One time they finally stepped way over the line and started breaking in his house. John has had enough of it.

So one by one he would invite them over. Once they got to his spaceship he would then ask them to join him in the back room for some tea.

Once in the back room John would ask them to sit down and give them their tea. In their tea was some “Spot remover.” That is what the old guy John purchased it from called it.

Once they drank their tea they would start talking about the class. In an hour they would end up going to the bath room. John would walk in and find them laying in the toilet dried up like a raisin. John would then remove them from the toilet and then take it in to the kitchen and make oatmeal raisin cookies.

Once all his teachers were gone John was finally free from school. At least for a decade while they find someone else to replace them.

The next person that was really getting on my nerves was his boss. He kept tiring to get John to work not only his job but the bosses.

John then decided that he was next to been “removed.” He called up the old guy and purchase more “spot remover.”

John then slipped a little “spot remover” in his coffee the next morning. He then was dead in the matter of about two hours.

Once he was gone John received another promotion, raise, and bonus. John pay is now five hundred million dollars per check.

That wasn’t even good enough for his grandma. She still disapproved of what he does and when he does it.

So one day he invited her out to lunch. When she arrived John pulled the laser he had just purchased and shot her in the middle of her head.

This murder wasn’t as discrete as the others. The police finally caught him. They connected him to the murder of his boss.

John was then put on trial for Double Homicide and Unlawful Possession of an armed weapon. He was sentenced to be kept in jail for 3500 years and then executed.

John decided that 3500 years was too long to wait. He committed suicide in the shower. The jail was then closed for 2 years for the removal of the dead body.

So I know how hard it can be with the holidays coming up. This will be my second Xmas in care. It hurts in a way.

I remember just a few years ago when I would wake up at 6 am and sneak out to the living room to see what was for me. Then I knew where the best place to sit would be to open my gifts.

Xmas was always a big holiday for my family. It was a lot of fun and time for us to be together.

I guess what hurts the most is that all the traditions I have had up until I was taken into care.

I remember that on Thanksgiving night we would always decorate the tree. I also remember how on the Day after Xmas we always took down the tree.

My Foster parent has helped me with this. Both of the Foster Parents that I have had has understood how hard it can be.

So with all of this said even though being in care for the holidays is hard, just remember that it could always be worst and just think how hard it can be for the Foster Parents.